The invasion. It continues.

Posted at December 30th, 2008 by cosmo

Or, shall I say, the Hilarious Hijinxs that constitute my life.

As a recap, this year has constituted planning a wedding, nearly a month abroad on honeymoon, simple oral surgery gone a a rye, IVF, successfully PREGNANT!!..?!, evicted, no, not evicted, no, yes, evicted, nevermind, you can stay, no please get out next week, buying a house, (throw a couple random family issues in there), remodeling house, no, nevermind, you don’t need to move, wait was yesterday Christmas?

The upheaval has HIGHlariously intensified last weekend. We had a three day weekend and figured we would get a ton of stuff done on the new house that had to be done before the crew showed up on Monday. Unfortunately we woke up Friday morning to a huge puddle (actually, I think a body of water this size constitutes a pond) in the carpet on the 3rd floor leaking into the second floor. Turns out that in a silly attempt to keep the house above freezing, DaddyO had turned up the heat so that maybe, possible, his pregnant, gassy, cranky bride could once again feel her toes. This made the radiator on the third floor blow a gasket sometime in the night.

It needs to be noted that it did not actually, raise the temperature above freezing in the house.

We couldn’t get it stop running water into the carpet-pond, so we had to turn the heat off. The repair guys finally came over four days later to fix it. Daaaaamn it was a cold weekend.

And we can’t run more then two space heaters in the house, on two different floors, other wise the fuse will blow. So… heat ourselves? Dry the carpet. Um, yeah. FUCK the carpet.

Don’t you love old unkept houses? And the slumlords that rent them? And evict you from them? When you are pregnant?

Then before we could finish getting that taken care of, a friend of ours called in a panic because her nanny couldn’t work that day and she needed to get some work wrapped up that afternoon before they took off for the holidays. So we spent the afternoon watching the most adorable 10 month old girl. Scott was so very amused with her. And I was so very amused watching him play with her! Good practice. Maybe we will be able to make this whole kid thing work.

Wait. No… Still terrified.

So Saturday, we figured we would get everything taken care of at the new house. We still had a whole weekend, right?

But no. By the time we finished running Friday and Saturdays errands, it was too late to start on the projects. So we reward ourselves for a job not done with dinner at Chili’s. Yes. Chili’s. Ooooo goodness. So Suburban! (Or as someone so aptly put it, “My how the mighty have fallen!”) I figured since it was the holidays, I would give Ringo one of the rib bones thinking he was too small to swallow it or chew it up. I was so, so wrong.

Before we knew it he had eaten an inch or two of the bone. Like… chewed up little sharp bits of bone and swallowed them. I could tell that his stomach was upset about an hour later… and took him for a little walk to give him a chance to.. let it pass. Nothing. Took him out again before we went to bed, but still nothing. And at that point, he seemed fine.

Once again, so, so wrong.

I wake up at 5 in the morning to him vomiting. Get up to turn on the light and narrowly miss stepping in the pile (puddle?) of diarrhea he’d left by my side of the bed… Ah, how sweet! Cleaning up the vomit when he starts again. I had a clean wash cloth in my hand so I spread it out under him so he could throw up on it, instead of our 25 year old carpet, and we spent the next hour or so petting him while he leaned against one of us, then, when the need struck him, he would walk over to the wash cloth, and throw up on it again, the come lean on us again. It was horrible, but in a way, charming to watch a dog be so neat that he doesn’t want to throw up on the carpet.

THAT is a housebroken dog!

Finally, when this lost it’s novelty and the worry that it would never ever end set in, we took him to the Doggie Emergency Room where they xrayed him and did a bunch of blood work and finally gave him a little IV for his dehydration and injected him with all sorts of anti nausea meds… seems he just irritated his tummy. Nice! So… $700 for a dinner at Chilis? So much for saving cash. Might as well have treated ourselves to a nice little two Michelin star dinner. A Fine bottle of wine or two. And a hooker! Possibly two…

So finally, covered in doggy vomit and diarrhea, and completely lacking in sleep, we head out to the new house, spent the entire day removing tiles, ripping stuff up to see what’s underneath and planning and noting where and what, and getting ready for the destruction crew to come out. Finally made it back to the old house late at night, covered in puppy vomit and diarrhea AND a fine layer of construction grit to a house that now smells like vomit, diarrhea AND mildew. And? Just colder inside, then it was outside. About 45 degrees. Coldest. (yet most needed) Shower. Ever.

At least poor the pup finally quit um… you know… by the time we got home. He’s definitely not at 100%, but he’s doing a lot better. He even pooped something that was poop shaped the next morning!

The good news is that the baby is growing well and my weight gain isn’t nearly as out of control as I worried it would be. He’s kicking like mad and can just now reach my ribs if he uses my hip bones as a launching point. Which he does often. So very strange to feel!

I hope everyone is having a great holiday. We were so busy with the house that we carely had time to acknowledge Xmas.

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