Houston. We have a door knob.

Posted at August 5th, 2009 by cosmo

Houston. We have a door knob.

Originally uploaded by Monatopia.

As anyone who has been to the former Embassy can attest, we have door knob issues. No matter how often we re-attach them, they fall off. Loudly and Without Warning.

This has resulted in anyone who has ever lived there having intimate knowledge of the inner workings of a vintage door knob. Like, DUH, always put it back together so the stick part comes off INSIDE the room in which you could be possibly locked. It also comes with the Macgyver like skillz to use say, a toothbrush, to open a bathroom door when you get locked in there for three hours on your birthday cause the company who was over celebrating with you the night before didn’t have this knowledge.

Then there was the guest who got locked in the guest room for several hours learning that in this house, we ALWAYS make sure to have a laptop or cell phone on hand to ensure contact with the outside world.

We all just thought he was napping.

Or the morning, sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast with Casey when we hear the loud unmistakeable sound of door knob hitting tile, followed by a roommate in a bathrobe coming down stairs “Hey, anyone got a doorknob?” While I grab the nearest screw driver, Casey, smart kid that he is, takes his actual bedroom doorknob out of his pocket and hands it over without even looking up from his book, to a roommate who in no way thinks it’s strange that a kid would carry around a door knob in his pocket. This way he says, he will never get locked in any room of the house.

Yes. We have a special kind of PTSD.

The most interesting tales of DoorKnobery happened at The Parties. Four stories of non-working door knobs, and a house full of drunk people always ends up in an abundance of “I thought you left without me! – No, I was just locked in the bathroom” or even better “Um… did you hear who just got let out of the upstairs bathroom? Together? Oh my Gawd! Really?! I didn’t even know they where dating? Neither did his girl friend.”

And of course, my favorite? Ring Ring. Ring Ring. Ring Ring.

“Hey, where are you?”

“…… I don’t know. It’s dark.”

“Are you still here?”

“I think so. The last thing I remember was going to the bathroom…”

“Which bathroom?”

Apparently the drunken response to finding out that you have just locked yourself in the bathroom is to turn out the light and go to sleep on the cool, cool tile.

And finally, who can forget the time the neighbor stopped by to let us know she had backed into our car. But we couldn’t get out to investigate because … our front door knob had fallen off and we were trapped inside our own house. That was also a dark time for food delivery.

So, it may come as no surprise, that as the retrovation comes to a close (ok, maybe not an actual close, but it is starting to circle the finish line), the item I’m MOST happy about, is our fancy new door knob. It is indeed a work of art, and try as we might, It Does Not Come Off. Special Thanks to Jonathon for making my dream of being able to get in AND OUT of my house a reality. Feel free to drop him an email if you would like to have a similar dream fulfilled.

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