Usually I just stick to killing and eating…

Posted at February 19th, 2010 by cosmo

I’m exceptionally good at eating plants (and chocolate.  And popcorn. And, well, I’m just exceptionally good at eating, but that’s another post.) And, unfortunately, I’m exceptionally good at killing them.

Like this poor little thing.  Apparently he didn’t get enough water.

Yes.  Had he survived, I’m sure I would have referred to it as a her.  That’s just the way I am.

Anyhoo, I planted him and 7 of his siblings in a cozy corner of my atrium.  They looked lovely.  I watered the first couple days religiously, but then the down pours of winter started.  And I went away. Probably to Disneyland. And when I came back, the ones in the back, against the windows were dying. As it turns out, they were in a rain shadow. I watered and watered, but was unable to save them.

The ones in the front are doing a questionable job of surviving.

My mother is an amazing gardener, aside from one unfortunate incident involving a fish emulsion bottle full of used engine oil and an ill timed sinus infection, she has always had amazing enviable gardens.

Last year there were green beans and watermelon and peas and carrots and cucumbers and kale and lettuces and basil and …  and… you get the idea.

So THIS year, armed with books and all the knowledge the internets has to offer, I’m building raised beds and I WILL have a garden.  And it will grow damnit!  Cause I can not stand to eat what they are trying to pass off at produce at the local grocery any more!

Seriously. If teenagers can learn to build bombs from the internets, surely, SURELY I can learn to grow some decent carrots.

So. The plan. And please feel free to remind me of the plan involving the Roomba and the Clean House and The baby weights all falling right the hell off, but I will not listen, because seriously, I need to eat a cantaloupe that tastes like Something.  Preferably cantaloupe. And what I had for breakfast yesterday? That thing I bought at the local grocery? It LOOKED like a cantaloupe.  And it had a faint hint of cantaloupe, but ….it had the texture of a crisp green apple and pretty much no flavor at all.

OK. I realize that this is mainly blamed on the fact that is not indeed cantaloupe season ANYWHERE near here and, perhaps, I can not




(Poor poor Roomba)

pick out a good cantaloupe. I beg to differ on that last one though. I CAN pick out a good cantaloupe when given decent cantaloupes to choose from, but do lack the common sence to simply WALK AWAY once I see the pretty cantaloupes. In the dead of winter.

But I digress.

May I present our sideyard as it is now.  It’s about 9.5 feet wide, and about 25 feet long – leaving room for the trash cans and the wood.

And Yes, we bought a half cord of wood. Cause that’s what you do when you move to the ‘burbs.  And you have a fireplace.  But despite watching 19 seasons of Survivor, NEITHER of us can successfully build a fire.

The plan (Stop Laughing!) is to build 2 sets of 3foot by 8 foot beds down each side, leaving a 3 foot walk way in the middle.  On the left, against the house, there will be three additional 3 foot by 3 foot beds for strawberries, rassberries and rhubarb which sound like they could use their own beds. Each bed will be 18 inches deep.  On the other side, against the fence, there will be an additional 3 foot by 3 foot box for worm composting.

The basic plans I’m working with for my raised beds at here – and for the worm box, here –

Check back in a couple of months for the hilarious stories about how I’ve created the worlds largest plant graveyard. And how my husband is divorcing me for spending so much on lumber.  And dirt.

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